Wednesday, August 24, 2011

This August 20th at 11.30 am in Balchik, Bulgaria it all changed for me, forever. I was running another half a marathon. It was 35° C, full sun, the hardest run ever. We came back and I saw I had 23 missed calls. My mother wanted to tell me that.... my dad is dead...
I felt my heart stopping. It was intensely physically painful. I sprinted to the apartment they were staying at, fastest kilometer in my life.
His lifeless body on the floor. I couldn't believe it. Only the day before we had a family lunch, laughing and making plans. Who allowed that?? What went wrong? Why wasn't I there?
They said he had a stroke and died instantly. It was so hot that day. He spent the whole morning playing with the girls. Then he carried groceries upstairs, maybe they were too heavy. Why don't you build a f*.. elevator in a 3 levels building? It's no one's fault. But I am so desperate to find a reason. He was only 61. He wanted to live. He was not afraid to die, just not yet.. Why did he go so fast? My children would not even remember him. It's not fair!!!
I am thinking about him all the time. All the way back to Sofia I thought I was losing my mind. I am so sad... I have been hurt, don't be fooled by my upbeat cheerfulness, I know what pain is. Deep dark pain. But I never felt so much ... sadness. I could do many things but I can't do anything to bring him back. It makes me feel so... useless.
My mom is devastated. I have never seen her acting like that. She does not remember that August 20 afternoon, as if she wasn't there. It was awful. My parents were making all this plans together. Who is she to make plans with now? I am away, my brother is young and still searching. If it wasn't for my children who she is absolutely in love with, she would be in a very dark place now.
I wrote about my parents few days ago. I never do that. Then I wrote a bucket list, I spoke about how we are afraid of changes and death. As if subconsciously I knew it was coming. I always knew life is short. I did my best, largely thanks to my dad's encouragement, to live my life fearlessly. And now, even more so. Now, I can't stop myself of rethinking everything. It will be a process. Of searching, grief, hope, acceptance...
At the funeral instead of the standard mourning music we played one of my dad's favorite songs of Creedance.


Someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm.
I know, and it's been comin' for some time.
When it's over, so they say, it'll rain a sunny day.
I know, shinin' down like water.

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?
I want to know, have you ever seen the rain
comin' down on a sunny day?

Yesterday, and days before, sun is cold and rain is hard.
I know, been that way for all my time.
'Til forever on it goes through the circle fast and slow,
I know, and it can't stop, I wonder.

I want to know, have you ever seen the rain?
I want to know, have you ever seen the rain
comin' down on a sunny day?

- John C. Fogerty

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